Unearthing

For the last two weeks, I have carried around a heavy burden. This extra weight is emotionally connected, residing deep within my chest cavity at my heart center. After days of intuitive reflecting, I sense a need to cry, to release and let go.

I have no reason to cry. Plus, my usual happiness prevents me from accessing these feelings. So I just BE with these tense, tightening sensations. Days pass, I probe deeper. I practice yoga with the intention to understand. I pray to God for clarity. I ask my friends for help.

Slowly, it all begins to make sense.

I have been on my own for over two months. The novelty of living alone and enjoying creative endeavors and passions is fading. I spend much of my time alone and undistracted. Unconsciously, I have done a phenomenal job eliminating everything and anything that could potentially suck away my energy and attention. All the dust has settled and I am grounded in my new life. But what is left is....just me. Me and my mirror, my emotions, desires, fears and insecurities. I did ASK for this, craved to know myself better. But I had no idea it would feel like this....


So where am I?

On the edge of the abyass, staring into the darkness of my shadow self. This unearthing is the next layer of emotions, bubbling to the surface and making me uncomfortable. I do not like what I am feeling yet I encourage it to come forth. Gentle words entice the feelings....loneliness with a deep sense of sadness. Old anger triggering frustration. Pain from wounds unhealed. Deep rooted devastation that I have long avoided and ignored for most of my life.

Instead of my default mechanism to focus solely on the positive, I choose to look deeper at everything in which I labeled bad, negative and painful. I take responsibility for mistakes and the ultimate harm it caused others. I experience pangs of regret. I feel childhood traumas, family dramas, deception and lies, cheating, guilt and greed and grief. I want to OWN this, accepting and loving all these emotions as my whole self. Not just the good but everything that makes us human.

I proceed to investigate this muck.

Where is this sadness coming from? Why does it hurt so much? How could this be when overall I feel balanced, happy and fulfilled? What are my lessons to uncover in the midst of this internal mess? What lies beyond my dark side?

The lessons abound....I find space to breathe. This is not something I can understand in one day. So I give myself permission to wander around aimlessly, to be confused and uncomfortable, without judgment or deadlines. Just FEEL and be with it.



I give birth to a new self, a new reality that extends far beyond the physical level. Healing hurts before it feels right. I notice memories that pain me most and the forgiveness I owe myself and others. Buried emotions arise in my muscle memory, joints and heart but instead of repressing and storing for later use, I release and let go. They are coming out NOW, through dancing and stomping, stretching and breathing. They are coming out because I have taken away the blocks, the maze of boundaries and doors I closed so tightly around this. My emotional intelligence is taking over and keeping me moving. I want to feel it.

I accept pain as symbols, beautiful tattoos to remind me I will never be the same again. Despite the scars, they are gifts, allowing an experience of life that is full and multi-dimensional. I am hearing my old story as a sacred listener, finding the forgiveness and courage to bear witness to what was....

I realize I am not used to being alone. I am breaking the pattern of co-dependency. I have no man to comfort me, hold me and whisper sweet words of reassurance. My bed is empty, large and lonely. I must love myself through this so I learn I am ALWAYS enough, I can take care of myself through anything, I am all I need. It is time to become self-reliant.

Tonight in yoga class, I cry. No, I sob and mourn. As my teacher leads a series of heart openers and deep twists, I deconstruct my patterns and dissolve. I can't hold back the tears any longer. I do not want to anymore. Curled into a fetal ball, I find strength to experience the depths of loss and death, as the essence of my old self loosens its grips...

It hurts...physically my body screams, emotionally I am broken, spiritually I am reborn.

I come home to darkness, lay on my bed as the tears continue to pour forth. I encourage my inner self to flow, softly whispering, "Keep going. Reach deeper. GO there. Feel it. Feel it more. Access the part of you that we cut off years ago. Remember the hurt. Now, breathe. Accept. Love. Release."

My heavy heart already feels lighter.....


Through this healing process, I surrender to this as a life long process. There is always more to shed; I acknowledge the endlessness of it all. But I trust on the other side of this scared line is endless possibility, potential and grace. A tenderness awaits for my arrival. She is already so proud of me.

My new story is just starting....beginning with a goodbye to all that no longer serves me and a wide open, great big embrace to all that is coming.....



You must have confusion in your heart to give birth to stars.- Nietzsche

Creative Pursuits

Last week, I decided to start taking photographs.

I now carry my camera everywhere, always spying for the next opportunity to capture something beautiful. Below is a link to my ever expanding album. I had great fun creating playful titles for each picture. I hope you enjoy the relentless beauty that surrounds each of us....every day, every moment.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=41317868&l=5c46e9cdb5&id=118674

Floating Down a River Named Emotion

The more I explore myself, the more I uncover a fascination with feelings. Something we all experience, yet so few of us have the understanding and patience to figure out. Most of us are slaves to our emotions, bounded to the temporary insanity each one brings.

With an awareness turned inward, I decide to investigate these fleeting feelings. I crave a clearer understanding of my nature and what it means to be human.

What is most obvious is how quickly feelings change. I wake up in the morning refreshed. I ride my bike and feel free. I practice yoga and experience bliss. In an instance, I am tired, hungry and cranky. I eat a delicious meal and feel satisfied. Laying in bed, I yearn and feel lonesome. A troubling phone call disrupts me. A conversation with a stranger brings delight. I fall asleep peaceful and blessed.

For a pretty consistent person with a sweet disposition, my emotions definitely take me on a roller coaster ride of adventure. Where is the consistency???

What I am slowly learning is that I am not these emotions. I repeat, I am NOT these emotions. Even though I feel and experience them, they are not who I am. Rather, they are just a part of me...small yet significant, a reminder of what it is to be fully alive and present.

My true self never changes. At its core, it is my connection to God and the divine life force. All is one, all is perfect. Everything else is just the nature of life here on earth.

I still try grasp this but it not easily understood within the confines of the mind. Yet with heightened perceptions, I am living this universal truth more and more. I accept my mind does not need to know and understand everything. For something so brilliant, it definitely has its limitations.

So I remind myself repeatedly, just because I feel sad or happy or afraid doesn't me I am sad, happy or afraid. It is just one layer that experiences this temporary momentary flicker of feeling. It is not my essence. My essence lies in the ever-living spirit, the strength of the universe, the interconnectedness of all beings. It is permanent and unchanging, birthless and deathless. It is ALL THAT IS.

When I am able to maintain this distinction through the jungle of emotions, I discover the source of ultimate peace. I am no longer imprisoned by feelings. Other people can't MAKE me feel anything and I myself do not get tangled in their suffocating mess.

What I need to focus on is OWNING my feelings. I acknowledge when there is sadness or confusion. I accept moments of pain, of sorrow and of jubilation. I take responsibility, and notice what causes such a bubbling to well within me. Regardless of what label I term it, I make a point to shine light on it. I chose NOT to ignore the feeling but instead embrace it like I would a young child. By doing so, I gain wisdom while simultaneously reinforcing my own sense of self-love and acceptance.

More importantly, I am able to release it, let it go and learn whatever lesson or valuable information it is presenting. I do not resist any emotion, even if it feels uncomfortable or painful. I avoid passing judgments of whether or not feelings are good or bad. I do not try to justify them. Instead, I sit, breathe and create for it a new space. Purely and simply, I feel.

True intelligence is being honest, open, sensitive and in touch with all emotions. Better than any book or school, my feelings are my best teachers. Honing this skill enables me to bring forth and live my best self. It allows me to be comfortable in my own skin. It does require a constant vigilance as well as unconditional acceptance for whatever arises. I am learning the hard lesson of such acceptance for it is no easy feat. However, I am not hiding or deceiving myself anymore. That to me is no longer an option.

With such a blossoming growth and new awareness, my life has become boundlessly richer, grounded in the present and so much more beautiful.

Big Bambú: You Can't, You Don't, and You Won't Stop.

This week, my mother and I took a leisurely, lovely stroll through Central Park, arriving at the Metropolitan Museum of Art to visit a wildly popular rooftop exhibit called Big Bambú: You Can’t, You don’t and You Won’t Stop.

This massive structure, which is continually constructed and destructed through the duration of the exhibit, is an extensive network of 5,000 interlocking 30- and 40-foot-long fresh-cut bamboo poles, tied together with 50 miles of nylon rope. This site-specific installation measures 100 feet long, 50 feet wide and 50 feet high.



The artists, identical twins Doug and Mike Starn, work collaboratively with a team of rock climbers who assemble the complex arrangement of materials.



Taking the shape of a cresting wave, the artwork starts as a massive tower created from lashed together bamboo poles. At its zenith, the evolving architecture being built from within (no outside scaffolding or support) will beam out as far as the bamboo network allows, and then will bridge down to the floor.



From here, the first tower will be dismantled and carried through the structure to create another monumental tower and then on again, moving through the roof deck as though it was a Slinky.



An internal footpath route system grows within the structure and allows visitors to explore the intricacies and evolving nature of the project.





Similar to its backdrop of fall approaching Central Park and the urban landscape of the city, Big Bambú connects sculpture, nature and architecture. The continuing creation and evolving rebirths of Big Bambú reminded me of the ongoing interplay of chaos and serenity, of order and energy. I stood baffled under the interlocking pieces of this ever-changing living organism. Its disarray creates its organized structure, inspiring feelings of interconnectedness. Nothing ever stands alone; everything is cyclical. Big Bambú is an autonomous mountain, navigating the environment and dictating its own path. It is a work of artistic play, of wonder and of mystical genius.



Our visit was both energizing and inspiring, as both my mom and I were utterly amazed at such a creative expression of life.





Doug Starn explains perfectly, “It represents me- in that I am who I was, and, I am completely different than I was when I was a little boy.”.

Avon Walk for Breast Cancer

This weekend I led the stretching warm-up for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. This yearly event is a two day walk held in different cities around the country. Participants have a choice of walking up to 39 miles with a marathon or half marathon the first day, followed by a half marathon the second day, and camping overnight in the Wellness Village. The proceeds of this fundraiser benefit the Avon Foundation for breast cancer research and community outreach programs.

When I was first asked to participate in this event, I said yes without hesitation. However, I had no idea the magnitude. I did not know that I would be on stage standing in front of 5,000 people. When the details were disclosed, I reminded myself that I always seek exciting challenges, addicted to being pushed out of my comfort zones. Clearly, this was the next level. I accepted, choosing to look at it as my next platform for growth and vowing to do an exceptional job.

My alarms rings at 5am and I awake in what appears as pitch black of night. I wash up and dress, wearing a pick sweatshirt jacket, the signature color of the event. I practice one last run through of my choreographed routine and jump on my bike. The opening ceremony is at Pier 84 next to the Intrepid museum on Manhattan's west side. The streets are quiet with few people and cars during this early weekend hour. The wind is fierce, whipping through my clothes and piercing my bones. I am waiting for the butterflies to start flying around my belly but somehow, I am calm. On the ride, I pray for inner peace, to remain focused and centered on stage. I ask to talk and move with ease and grace and to be warmly accepted by the audience. Most importantly, I ask for my best self to be present and allow my inner light to shine forth.



I arrive on the pier to be met by a sea of pink bodies. Gatherings of people, mostly women, stand bundled up and ready to walk. I am immediately hit with the most incredible and inspiring energy. My emotions surge and I bordering on bursting into tears. I am moved by the love, strength and courage exuding from the crowd. Everyone wears paper signs that state their inspiration for walking. There are hot pink feather boas and fuchsia cowgirl hats. Pink ribbons adorned everyone's chest and backpacks are carried on shoulders. I make my way through the crowd, arriving back stage teeming with emotional excitement. I am informed that I would be going on at 6:15am, fifteen minutes earlier than expected. Karen, my partner for the event and dear friend who gave me this opportunity, would not be arriving until then. The crew is not fazed by my sudden disbelief and contend that I must go on without her.

O boy......

Still waiting for my stomach to rumble, I smoothly embrace the new discovery as a further challenge. So be it. Obviously God has a different plan. I take a few deep breaths and prepare. The set manager fastens my headset microphone and directs me to the small staircase leading up to the stage. I am starting to realize what I am about to do as I am given the cue to go on.........


I walk out on stage, extend my arms wide and scream, "Good morning beautiful people!!!!" The crowd erupts in cheers and applause. I stare out to the sea of energy, smile and begin. I have four short minutes to stretch and warm-up. I begin by introducing myself as well as paying honor to each person's dedication and commitment to fight this deadly disease. We begin breathing and moving, stretching up to the sky. We greet our neighbors as we loosen up the neck and shoulders. We roll open spine and knees. We playfully shake our hips causing laughter even among the few male attendees. I do not miss a beat and flow easily through my routine. I close by counting to three inviting each walker to scream the name of person being honored today. I thank them for their participation, wish them well on their journey and walk off stage. I take a HUGE deep breath.

Four minutes on stage feels like a dream. I am relieved, thankful and happy for I did as best as I could. I remembered the correct order of exercises, spoke clearly, and remained calm and present. It is as if something came over me and I temporarily left, a true outer body experience. It did not feel like me up there but yet it WAS me. It is difficult to explain the surreal nature of the morning since never having been in front of more than 30 people at once. The crowd was so big they actually had screens set up so people in the back could see what was going on.

I asked myself countless times throughout the rest of the day, "Did I really just do that?"

Reflecting on this incredible moment, I feel humbled and honored to be given such an amazing opportunity. To use my body, my words and my knowledge to prepare these people for such an extraordinary journey was like nothing I ever experienced. It was absolutely amazing to feel so connected and present, in my body and even more so, in my heart. I was me in my truest sense, unafraid, extending warmth and spreading goodness. The core of my passion roared as I recognize this is something I must do more often. It fired within me an even deeper drive to teach and inspire, feeling inherently that something will grow out of this experience. Not knowing form but remaining open to it all, I look forward to where this new open door will lead.


Feelings of gratitude abound as it continues to pour forth.....

My Morning Practice

Practicing yoga is my daily ritual. What started as an intensely physical practice has now transformed into a gentle, flowing dance. Yoga was born when I transitioned out of boxing, as the desire and drive for combat sport dissipated. I was searching for something to fulfill my intense need to move, sweat and burn. I dabbled with this ancient discipline years prior but quickly left it the moment my gloved hand smacked a punching bag for the first time.

When the instinct arose to learn and practice yoga, I tried several different styles and classes to find what suited me best. I uncovered a passion and affinity for Ashtanga yoga. I love this system not only for it rich history and lineage but also because it was active, progressive and dynamic. It is taught in Mysore style, where each student is given the specific sequence of poses as opposed to following an instructor's demonstration. This yoga is a self-practice, a moving meditation that focuses the gaze inward. It grows and expands as each pose is first remembered in its correct order and then performed in proper alignment. Ashtanga has six series which all begin and end with the methodically beautiful sequence of opening and closing poses. Despite my commitment over the past year, I am still on the primary series. This gently reminds me not to rush, to honor where I am at instead of wishing I was onto the next series. It encourages me to be present with what is, sucking the nectar from each pose as my body grows and changes from day to day.

Since the major life change, my practice has taken on new meaning and form. In the first days following the break down, I laid on my mat and cried. I could not muster the strength to even stand. It was a safe haven, my home, a community. It was support and comfort, giving me the sacred space necessary for healing. Sometimes, I arrived at class and slept. The combination of emotional distress, loss of appetite, sleepless nights and heartbreak created such exhaustion in my body and mind that just getting to class was the best effort I could make.

Throughout the last six weeks, the physical aspect of the practice has lost its dominance. I quickly realized that my mind and emotions needed the most work, not my already strong and fit muscles. Slowly, my priorities changed. Now I begin each morning breathing. I connect to my diaphragm, my ribcage, my heart. I lay on my belly and push the floor away with my navel. I create space in my chest, making room for my expanding emotions. Alternate nostril breathing balances my nervous system and the sound of Ujjayi breathing reminds me of peaceful ocean waves. The connection to the breath, the ultimate life force, puts me in touch with God, the universe and ALL THAT IS.

After my breath is deep and full, I sit quietly in a meditative state. I give thanks, offer forgiveness and ask for help. Inside myself, there is an open exchange with the Source. I acknowledge its presence and guidance in my life, cultivating feelings of profound gratitude. I remain in this quiet and focused place for as long as needed. I finish by silently reciting my opening mantras and chants as a means dedicate my practice and set a daily intention.

The physical practice begins with heat generating sun salutations, leading to standing and balancing poses. I then sit on my mat for the primary series sequence and finish with a delicious combination of backbends and headstand. After repeating my closing prayers and mantra, I lay down for a very long and replenishing rest. I surrender to that mat, walking that fine line of sleep and wakefulness. I drift away. My body has the opportunity to assimilate the benefits of the practice and replenish the energy needed to sustain me throughout the rest of the day. My heartbeat slows and my sweaty skin dries in the cool air. In this deep relaxation, I recover more fully than I do in a normal night's sleep.

My morning practice has always been a driving force in my life but now, it is taking on new meaning, deepening its roots and renewing my commitment. It saved me during the break-up, reminding me that I am supported by a community of people who share my love and dedication to yoga. It is there, in that room, where I feel the most safe. On my little maroon mat, I learn to process, heal and recover. It gives me unlimited space and comfort, always available like that of a best friend. Beginning each morning with yoga sets the tone for my day, grounds me with intention, relieves stiffness and tension while calming and energizing my entire being. It is my moment of worship, a visit to my inner church. I always leave class more alert, alive and attentive.

This practice opens my biggest muscle, my heart, allowing me to become comfortable with vulnerability. It reminds me to breathe when I am challenged, to find peace admist chaos. Yoga constantly create space in my most restricted areas, both in body and mind. I represents my ongoing dialogue with the divine, a moment of appreciation, acknowledgment and respect. It is one of the greatest gifts from the universe and something hugely responsible for making my life so fantastic.

New Life, New Body

Over the past month, my body has completely changed. From the perspective of a casual observer, it is difficult to notice such transformation. But for me who lives in this body, I am aware of the profound difference.

On the grossest level, I am several pounds lighter. I did not actively try to lose weight; however, over the course of major life change and crisis, I lost all appetite. It was so bizarre to never feel hungry. The sheer thought of food repulsed me. Whenever I did manage to choke down a small nibble, my stomach would twist and turn and otherwise make me unbearably uncomfortable. I was never one to NOT eat no matter what I was experiencing, but this time around my emotions ruled over all basic functions.

Aside from that, my muscles feel less tight and tense. I am lighter and looser to such an extent that my yoga teacher, who I see daily, asked what changed. Curious, he wants to know how I become increasingly flexible in what seems like overnight. I am able to bind in poses that before were so difficult I assumed would take months to complete. Now, I can do so with ease and grace, without overexertion or struggle. My transitions inbetween poses have a new airy bounce as I float daintily on and off my mat. My body feels softer, more sensual and not as stiff, rigid and solid. I no longer have to prove my toughness and hide behind a hard, external shell.

I am loving this new body, giving much reflection to why it is so altered yet still feels like home. I realized that energetically I was carrying around so much baggage....extra weight surrounding not only my relationship to my boyfriend but to other people as well. In my first week of massive change, life presented opportunities to deal with every person who in some form or another was burdening my heart. I apologized for people I wronged. I expressed anger and sadness to those who have hurt me. I cleared the air and received much needed vindication from an an ex-lover. All negative emotions were acknowledged, explained and released.

I let go of so much during that time without knowing the effect it would have on my body. Moreover, my internal being feels changed and in every way, better. Nothing is tearing at my soul. I am no longer plagued with conversations that never took place or words that never found their way out of my mouth. I have shed it all, enjoying a new space of no regrets, no heaviness. I live in a new energetic body, one full of peace and balance. My old self has been put to rest.

Sheer bliss.