For the last two weeks, I have carried around a heavy burden. This extra weight is emotionally connected, residing deep within my chest cavity at my heart center. After days of intuitive reflecting, I sense a need to cry, to release and let go.
I have no reason to cry. Plus, my usual happiness prevents me from accessing these feelings. So I just BE with these tense, tightening sensations. Days pass, I probe deeper. I practice yoga with the intention to understand. I pray to God for clarity. I ask my friends for help.
Slowly, it all begins to make sense.
I have been on my own for over two months. The novelty of living alone and enjoying creative endeavors and passions is fading. I spend much of my time alone and undistracted. Unconsciously, I have done a phenomenal job eliminating everything and anything that could potentially suck away my energy and attention. All the dust has settled and I am grounded in my new life. But what is left is....just me. Me and my mirror, my emotions, desires, fears and insecurities. I did ASK for this, craved to know myself better. But I had no idea it would feel like this....
So where am I?
On the edge of the abyass, staring into the darkness of my shadow self. This unearthing is the next layer of emotions, bubbling to the surface and making me uncomfortable. I do not like what I am feeling yet I encourage it to come forth. Gentle words entice the feelings....loneliness with a deep sense of sadness. Old anger triggering frustration. Pain from wounds unhealed. Deep rooted devastation that I have long avoided and ignored for most of my life.
Instead of my default mechanism to focus solely on the positive, I choose to look deeper at everything in which I labeled bad, negative and painful. I take responsibility for mistakes and the ultimate harm it caused others. I experience pangs of regret. I feel childhood traumas, family dramas, deception and lies, cheating, guilt and greed and grief. I want to OWN this, accepting and loving all these emotions as my whole self. Not just the good but everything that makes us human.
I proceed to investigate this muck.
Where is this sadness coming from? Why does it hurt so much? How could this be when overall I feel balanced, happy and fulfilled? What are my lessons to uncover in the midst of this internal mess? What lies beyond my dark side?
The lessons abound....I find space to breathe. This is not something I can understand in one day. So I give myself permission to wander around aimlessly, to be confused and uncomfortable, without judgment or deadlines. Just FEEL and be with it.
I give birth to a new self, a new reality that extends far beyond the physical level. Healing hurts before it feels right. I notice memories that pain me most and the forgiveness I owe myself and others. Buried emotions arise in my muscle memory, joints and heart but instead of repressing and storing for later use, I release and let go. They are coming out NOW, through dancing and stomping, stretching and breathing. They are coming out because I have taken away the blocks, the maze of boundaries and doors I closed so tightly around this. My emotional intelligence is taking over and keeping me moving. I want to feel it.
I accept pain as symbols, beautiful tattoos to remind me I will never be the same again. Despite the scars, they are gifts, allowing an experience of life that is full and multi-dimensional. I am hearing my old story as a sacred listener, finding the forgiveness and courage to bear witness to what was....
I realize I am not used to being alone. I am breaking the pattern of co-dependency. I have no man to comfort me, hold me and whisper sweet words of reassurance. My bed is empty, large and lonely. I must love myself through this so I learn I am ALWAYS enough, I can take care of myself through anything, I am all I need. It is time to become self-reliant.
Tonight in yoga class, I cry. No, I sob and mourn. As my teacher leads a series of heart openers and deep twists, I deconstruct my patterns and dissolve. I can't hold back the tears any longer. I do not want to anymore. Curled into a fetal ball, I find strength to experience the depths of loss and death, as the essence of my old self loosens its grips...
It hurts...physically my body screams, emotionally I am broken, spiritually I am reborn.
I come home to darkness, lay on my bed as the tears continue to pour forth. I encourage my inner self to flow, softly whispering, "Keep going. Reach deeper. GO there. Feel it. Feel it more. Access the part of you that we cut off years ago. Remember the hurt. Now, breathe. Accept. Love. Release."
My heavy heart already feels lighter.....
Through this healing process, I surrender to this as a life long process. There is always more to shed; I acknowledge the endlessness of it all. But I trust on the other side of this scared line is endless possibility, potential and grace. A tenderness awaits for my arrival. She is already so proud of me.
My new story is just starting....beginning with a goodbye to all that no longer serves me and a wide open, great big embrace to all that is coming.....
You must have confusion in your heart to give birth to stars.- Nietzsche
