The more I explore myself, the more I uncover a fascination with feelings. Something we all experience, yet so few of us have the understanding and patience to figure out. Most of us are slaves to our emotions, bounded to the temporary insanity each one brings.
With an awareness turned inward, I decide to investigate these fleeting feelings. I crave a clearer understanding of my nature and what it means to be human.
What is most obvious is how quickly feelings change. I wake up in the morning refreshed. I ride my bike and feel free. I practice yoga and experience bliss. In an instance, I am tired, hungry and cranky. I eat a delicious meal and feel satisfied. Laying in bed, I yearn and feel lonesome. A troubling phone call disrupts me. A conversation with a stranger brings delight. I fall asleep peaceful and blessed.
For a pretty consistent person with a sweet disposition, my emotions definitely take me on a roller coaster ride of adventure. Where is the consistency???
What I am slowly learning is that I am not these emotions. I repeat, I am NOT these emotions. Even though I feel and experience them, they are not who I am. Rather, they are just a part of me...small yet significant, a reminder of what it is to be fully alive and present.
My true self never changes. At its core, it is my connection to God and the divine life force. All is one, all is perfect. Everything else is just the nature of life here on earth.
I still try grasp this but it not easily understood within the confines of the mind. Yet with heightened perceptions, I am living this universal truth more and more. I accept my mind does not need to know and understand everything. For something so brilliant, it definitely has its limitations.
So I remind myself repeatedly, just because I feel sad or happy or afraid doesn't me I am sad, happy or afraid. It is just one layer that experiences this temporary momentary flicker of feeling. It is not my essence. My essence lies in the ever-living spirit, the strength of the universe, the interconnectedness of all beings. It is permanent and unchanging, birthless and deathless. It is ALL THAT IS.
When I am able to maintain this distinction through the jungle of emotions, I discover the source of ultimate peace. I am no longer imprisoned by feelings. Other people can't MAKE me feel anything and I myself do not get tangled in their suffocating mess.
What I need to focus on is OWNING my feelings. I acknowledge when there is sadness or confusion. I accept moments of pain, of sorrow and of jubilation. I take responsibility, and notice what causes such a bubbling to well within me. Regardless of what label I term it, I make a point to shine light on it. I chose NOT to ignore the feeling but instead embrace it like I would a young child. By doing so, I gain wisdom while simultaneously reinforcing my own sense of self-love and acceptance.
More importantly, I am able to release it, let it go and learn whatever lesson or valuable information it is presenting. I do not resist any emotion, even if it feels uncomfortable or painful. I avoid passing judgments of whether or not feelings are good or bad. I do not try to justify them. Instead, I sit, breathe and create for it a new space. Purely and simply, I feel.
True intelligence is being honest, open, sensitive and in touch with all emotions. Better than any book or school, my feelings are my best teachers. Honing this skill enables me to bring forth and live my best self. It allows me to be comfortable in my own skin. It does require a constant vigilance as well as unconditional acceptance for whatever arises. I am learning the hard lesson of such acceptance for it is no easy feat. However, I am not hiding or deceiving myself anymore. That to me is no longer an option.
With such a blossoming growth and new awareness, my life has become boundlessly richer, grounded in the present and so much more beautiful.
