Eye to Eye

Today in yoga class my teacher had us practice with our eyes closed.

In our first downward dog, when he instructed us to turn our gaze inward, I could sense the apprehension from the students. Our minds trying to understand, oscillating between thinking he is crazy to intense curiosity as to what this is going to be like.

I adhere to the new rule and close my eyes. Immediately, I connect deeper to my body. Now, I am not afforded to opportunity to physically look at my alignment. Now, I must feel my alignment. I must allow my body's intelligence to work without using my visual sense.

I must trust.

We move through sun salutations and I perceive where my body is in space. I take my time, move slowly, more gracefully. I am careful to ground my toes into the mat. Instead of rushing through movements in a robotic, mechanical way, I practice with augmented grace; I feel like water flowing. Practicing with eyes closed requires intense concentration. Not for one moment can I lose focus. In the moments I do, I lose balance, tip over, feel the wobbling muscles seeking security.

I must remain present.

Sometimes, I can't help myself and peak. I try to fight the urge to look but there are times when my eyes pop open. These are moments I feel disorientated, wondering where I am on my mat, where my body is in the room. Am I invading my neighbor's space? Which direction I am facing? When can we open our eyes? None of this seems to matter much and I feel disappointed with my quick glimpses.

I must surrender more.

When we are given permission to look, it is as though I am seeing life for the first time. I scan the room and appreciate the glowing faces, drenched in sweat, born anew. We are all wide-eyed in amazement; we survived. My teacher acknowledges that we practice better when the ability to see is taken away. He swears it is one of the most beautiful sights.

The most profound lesson from practicing with eyes closed is the suspension of judgments. Because I cannot see what I am doing, my mind cannot decide if it is good, bad or worthy of acceptance. I am only able to feel how it feels not think how it feels. This is a HUGE difference. I also notice that it stops judgments towards others. I am unable to compare myself to the flexibility of my classmates. I am not given the opportunity to be impressed by someone else's abilities or empowered because I was able to achieve a difficult pose. By lacking all the typical distraction of class, it causes my practice to be much more personal, deep, non-attaching and honest.

Moreover, it reminded me to maintain an appreciation for eyesight. So many times, I take this extraordinary sense for granted. I wake up expecting to see. It is a gift to watch sunsets, admire art, make eye contact, read books, drive a car. To stare at something beautiful is inspiring. How lucky I am t be given such a gift. Next time I see a blind person walking on the street, I will be reminded of their darkness. For a moment, I will understand and send some extra light their way.

I am always amazed and thankful that yoga extends beyond physical poses. Something as simple as closing eyes has a profound effect on the practice, deepening to a level often untouched.

A Religious Revival

In the most unlikely of circumstances, I found myself back in a Catholic Church after a ten year hiatus.

Born and raised as a Catholic, I developed an aversion towards it around the age of seventeen. After years of parochial school, weekly Mass and a handful of sacraments, I wanted nothing to do with it. The dogma, services and overall attitude bothered me. The lack of passion frustrated me. I remember feeling so disconnected that I started visiting numerous nondenominational churches and Buddhist centers in search for religious truth.

The past ten years have been largely influenced by this quest. I had to do my own investigating into what I believe is true. I explored meditation techniques, spiritual scripts and Hindu gods. I prayed, chanted and sang. I sat in quiet stillness and danced my heart out. I read the Bible and the Yoga sutras. Prayed to Jesus and Ganesh. And ultimately, I have found all these religions contain the same universal truths. Truths of love, peace and light, respect of self and others, kindness and compassion. The roads are different, yes. The books and songs, statues and prayers all vary. Human beings vary. But at the core, all religious paths merge to ONE. To the divine, the source of happiness and peace.

So as I sat in Midnight Mass, the most magical service in Catholicism, I was reminded of my once deep love for this religion. The smell of incense so familiar yet mysterious. The Christmas hymns I sang as a child. The special decorations that enhance the Church's architectural beauty. The overwhelming warmth. I was so moved to remember the responses and words of prayers. In a way, I felt like I was home, a safe and secure place. It reminded me of Sunday Mass with my parents, the guiding principles it served and all the good it has added to my life. The belief and conviction of a higher power. Whatever once bothered me, no longer existed. I was coming to it from a different place.

Now that I know and feel confident in my beliefs and what I stand for, I can sit comfortably in a Catholic Church, knowing my truth is embedded within it. The words may be different, the story changes, but I know we share the same intentions. In this place of God, I feel the connection.

Since that special moment, I have gone back to church, not for a service but rather just to sit. I sit in the quiet room, hear the echos of my footsteps. I close my eyes and pray. Empty space helps me focus, speak to God intensely. No distractions. To be in a sacred, silent place enables a deeper dialogue. I pour my heart out.

I foolishly assumed that because I feel God within me always, I didn't need to visit a physical location. I thought one excluded the other. But being back in church shows me that I can enjoy both, and each to the benefit of the others. They work together to strengthen my relationship with God. What a gift to start off the new year.

A Year End Reflection

2010 is soon coming to close. As is my tradition, I take the last few days to reflect on the past year, from the triumphs and losses to everything in between. The overwhelming theme is transformation. 2010 was a year of change and growth. On so many levels, I feel inherently different.

This year, my love and passion for yoga blossomed. It is a staple in my daily life. Using it as a guide, it has become instrumental in my process of self-realization and inner peace. I gained a stronger body, mind and spirit. The practice provides a constant source of new challenges ranging from difficult poses to focused concentration. Becoming certified as an instructor exposed me to yoga's expansive view of philosophy and immersed me into the purity of a yogic life. Most importantly, it has augmented by connection to God, the source, the creator of all. My faith and spirituality is strengthened as my heart opens each time I step onto my mat. I am especially grateful yoga has taken such root in my being, a gift I know I will appreciate for the rest of my life.

Looking back, I also am thankful I grew as a business woman. Taking classes taught me valuable skills such as business planning and marketing. I learned how to start and run a successful business, as well as the immense responsibility it entails. I developed an appreciation and understanding of finances, tracking my income and expenses while creating room for financial abundance. Restructuring my business created new boundaries and rules that has given me added stability and freedom. I have embraced challenges, clients and opportunities. As business moves to the next level, I am confident in my abilities and talents. I recognize my passions and appreciate the love of my life's work.



This year was also the expansion of mindfulness. Volunteering for others has changed my perception of the world. I no longer live in a bubble. I recognize I have the time, talents and gifts that can be of service to others. I have enough energy to share. Additionally, this awareness has spread into other areas of my life. Non-harming plays an integral role in my decision making, as I try to be as considerate and respectful as possible to others. Compassion and patience are practiced daily as is integrity and truthfulness. I try to view the world with an ever-expanding embrace, spreading the goodness at every opportunity.

Nurturing friendships was also a huge change in 2010. As a person who once steered away from female friends, I now realize them as a necessity. Being surrounded by such extraordinary women has shown me a new level of investment and commitment. I understand the components of a great relationship, from going the extra mile for a friend to giving it the time and energy it deserves. I appreciate the nurturing possible only by other females. I am particularly grateful for the presence of such strong and confident women in my life who teach me by living boldly as they overflow with bravery, intelligence and strength. They motivate me to OWN my femininity, my inner goddess self.

Forgiveness has played a large part of these past twelve months. After the fog of my last relationship lifted, I woke up to a realization that I owed apologies to several people I hurt along the way. I failed to see the consequences my actions had on others. In the moment I understood the magnitude of my choices, I took immediate action to rectify the situation. Learning to ask for forgiveness is hard yet healing and liberating all at once. It required a mustering of courage like none other I ever experienced. To forced me to face the ugly side of myself, the side I never really wanted to see. Thankfully, I was received back with such love, grace, warmth and kindness; I still feel beyond moved by the love forgiveness bestowed. This will forever remain such a treasured gift.



2010 is also a year of travel. Spending two months navigating through Thailand taught me valuable skills on planning, surviving and problem solving. I learned how to communicate across language and land boundaries. Despite circumstance, I adapted. The responsibility of figuring out details and calculations enabled my confidence and courage to exponentially grow. From that experience alone, I trust myself to find a way through any obstacle.

Additionally, a spontaneous weekend trip finally brought me to California, a place I always dreamed of reaching. In the short span of a few day spent, life gave me the catalyst for embarking on the my major life change. I found a piece of my heart in San Fransisco and carried it back to New York. From that point on, everything changed.



Most of all, 2010 was a year of self-love and trust. I spent more than half the year in a relationship in which my heart was never fully invested. I knew all along it would end, felt feelings of temporariness, obvious he wasn't the ONE. I finally developed the courage to leave a doomed relationship. To break my pattern, I learned not to stay for the wrong reasons. To be honest with myself, I now trust me and my gut instincts. I realized the magnitude of self-deception and have consequently vowed never to lie to myself again.

The overwhelming lesson of 2010 is to trust me...trust that I am good enough, strong enough, capable enough. To trust my inner guidance; I am all I need. It isn't that a lover or life partner isn't pleasurable and enjoyable, it just isn't a necessity anymore. I learned how to be alone with myself, to be lonely in my big bed with no one to cuddle. I learned to make choices without regard for anyone else, not in a selfish sense but in a self-love sense. I now choose what is best for me for I am my utmost responsibility. I take time to do what I love, to do all those things so easily lost when another person comes along.

Additionally, as my emotional intelligence improves, I am much better at identifying feelings. To be with them in gentle acceptance has proved much better than stifling, repressing or pretending. I understand what longing is, the intense desire to be loved and held. I can cry openly, without shame. I allow myself to be vulnerable, to be seen, wounded and in need. Setting my pride aside, I ask for help when needed. Embracing feelings is my new favorite skill. Being tough to me is no longer about wearing a mask of strength and courage. To me, its being with my sadness and still being ok.

Lastly, 2010 was an opportunity for me to love again. My heart is open like never before. I trust and surrender to this. Sometimes it scares me, for the risk of hurt is real and raw. Yet the depth of what I feel is unparalleled. It IS magic. I understand the difference and can never revert back. The view from here is just too good.

I am overwhelmingly grateful for the people, places and moments I have been given this year. As I set my intentions for 2011, I remain thankful for all this year has been.

Wishing all an abundantly beautiful new year of possibility.

Thank You.

Impermanence

I am sorry to be the one to tell you, but we are all dying.
From the moment of birth, we are one step closer to death.

On some unconscious level, we KNOW this. But I want to learn how to live this undeniable truth.

How can I become so comfortable with death that I no longer fear it?

At the beginning of every yoga class, my teacher openly acknowledges his desire for all of his students to die. Usually he receives a warm, somewhat awkward chuckle. His reputation is one for teaching sequences that challenge not only physically, but also test the emotional and mental boundaries as well. He explains his madness, wanting a small piece of us to die so that something new can be reborn, namely, a better self. One with heightened awareness, a grounding to earth, surrendering in spirit.

His intention is to dissolve and deconstruct patterns and tightness in the body. This allows for increased space. Expanding space leads to freedom. Authentic freedom begets precision. The more precise we become, the closer we align with the divine, to that little kid that lives in our hearts. That inner child has been covered and masked under the burdens of adult life, responsibilities and stresses, disconnecting us from this innermost part. We need to reach that little kid, for it is key in unlocking our divinity.

During my intense practice, my muscles scream and lengthen. Inherently, I am changing and it hurts. I try to find ease and grace in the discomfort. Can I be with this pain of death, of letting go of what no longer serves me? Can I have a dialogue with my body parts to remove the neurosis instilled in me from society, parents and life experiences? Can I be present enough not to fight it but rather breathe into it and accept what is?

Still a work in progress....

I am fascinated by this idea. If I learn to die now, then I will not fear death when it comes. I view it as not an end to life, not the final chapter. Instead, it is a transformation, a change of energy, a shift.

At the end of class, I lay in savasana (corpse pose) and feel death. I feel death to remind me how important it is to fully live. Knowing days are numbered, it stirs within me such passion, intensity and excitement for life. It keeps my inner fire burning, prompting me to move, explore and do. I learn to appreciate the fragility and fleetingness of time, taking advantage of each moment as I am not guaranteed another.

One of my favorite poems describes this perfectly.

When Death Comes
Mary Oliver

When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn; when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse to buy me, and snaps the purse shut; when death comes like the measles-pox; when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades, I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering: what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness? And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility, and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular, and each name a comfortable music in the mouth tending as all music does, toward silence, and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth. When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms. When it is over, I don't want to wonder if I have made of my life something particular, and real. I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument. I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

Recipe for Happiness

A very unexpected gift caused me to reflect on what makes me so happy. Many factors play a role so I took some precious time to gain clarity surrounding what is most important in keeping my spirits high and passion flaring. It is quite a long list that continues to grow....

Here is my very own recipe for happiness:

GOD – I believe in God, the SOURCE, ALL THAT IS and allow this presence to guide my life. I trust this truth more than anything else in the world and live my life accordingly. I no longer look to outside sources, priests or churches for I have found God within my own being, inside my heart center. It is the one place inside of me that no one can touch, harm, hurt or diminish. It is impenetrable from outside influences. When I feel most alone, I reside here in my safe haven. The more I open up, the more the connection grows.

DAILY PRAYERS/MEDITATION – Every morning before I even open my eyes, I say my prayers. I thank God for another day to be alive. What a miraculous gift! I acknowledge that I am EXACTLY where I need to be and immediately that allows an experience of inner peace. I always spend majority of my prayers in feelings of gratitude, forgiveness and humility. I offer all I do up to God; therefore, everything becomes a quiet prayer. This sets the tone for my day.

INTENTION – I always set an intention. It gives me guidance, direction and purpose. Every yoga practice, business meeting, foreign journey, I develop something to focus on and achieve. In that way, everything becomes meaningful, important and appreciated. Most days my intention is to bring my best self into everything I do. May I spread goodness to everyone I encounter. Sometimes it is to open my heart. Other times it is to release my fears. Moment to moment, it changes.

GRATITUDE/APPRECIATION – The number one feeling in my life is gratitude. I am so thankful for the amazing life I have be able to live. Everything is just so extraordinary, as though I am seeing life through the eyes of a child. Even in difficult times, I never lose touch with this feeling. I can see, taste, touch, smell and hear. I can use my body for movement. I have a warm bed to sleep in and clothes to wear. I have clean water to drink and air to breathe. I have a loving, supportive family and friends. And the list goes on and on and on…I am beyond blessed.

YOGA – Yoga has changed my life. It grounds me to earth, connects me to the breath and inspires me to reach for infinity. It is my daily prayer and visit to my innermost sanctuary. The more aligned my body becomes, the more aligned my mind, soul and spirit feels. It teaches mindfulness, patience, being present, and honoring where I am at. I have heightened respect for others as well as myself. It instills within me compassion and greater awareness, forgiveness and patience. It opens me up, release toxic emotions and regenerates my system. It is much more than a physical practice, as I am passionate about its philosophy and live my life according to its principles.

BEING PRESENT – Our nature as humans is to remember the past and think of the future. But my intention is always to be present. I try to live the NOW as much as possible. Feeling my body helps me feel the present. It is a skill that it not natural and requires focused attention and vigilance. When I engage in conversation, create an art project or work with clients, I try to give all of myself. I attempt to minimize distractions and not allow my mind to take me for a ride. The mind is crazy; it create stories that are not even true!

BODY IMAGE – For years I struggled with a distorted body image and exercise obsession and only for the past year have I overcome the binds that chained me down. I was in an abusive relationship with myself, dishing out punishment in the form of exercise. I carried the intense fear of getting fat driving myself into the ground with feelings of inadequacy. After intense inner work, I was finally able to kill those voices in my head and learned to love and accept my body as it is. Now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t see through tainted lenses. I see a gorgeous goddess body. Now I appreciate the softness, the roundness, the curves. This has PROFOUNDLY changed my life and increased my happiness tremendously. Which leads to….

SELF LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE – My body dismorphia stemmed from a severe deficit in self-love and acceptance. I did not like myself and consequently, my actions became destructive. Now, I embrace myself as a small child unconditionally and wholeheartedly. And honestly, I do LOVE myself. I enjoy my company and appreciate my personality, quirks, stories and everything else that makes me ME. Now, I am gentle with myself. I know that no matter what, I always have my back. I can get through anything. I will never abandon me. It is the best gift I could have ever given myself. And it grows, and grows and GROWS.

EXERCISE – I still really like to exercise. Although I am not longer obsessed, I do feel it as a necessity. I love to sweat and feel the burn. I love when my heart pounds. I usually run or ride my bike to obtain the endorphin kick I crave. But I no longer force myself to do anything. I set no time limits or requirements, honoring my body and what feels good. I do it for health yes, but also for pleasure. It helps me process life and my experiences, as I do some of my best thinking when my body is in motion.

BOXING – Although I don’t box anymore, I did train intensely for years. It was my outlet to deal with life, my coping skill. I learned an immense amount about myself while in the ring. It instilled within me courage, confidence, strength, drive, determination, and the will to succeed. It also gave me a “safe” way to experience what society deems as “bad” emotions: anger, rage, violence. It made me feel tough. In the ring, I was safe from real-life consequences. Additionally, it allowed me to understand and push the gender lines. I trained and succeeded at a “male” sport, defying boundaries imposed upon me. The whole experience continues to teach me that anything is possible with a little heart, hard work and perseverance.

INTUITION – I trust my inner guidance and my emotional intelligence. It has NEVER steered me wrong for I know it is God talking directly to me. I am so relieved to trust this reliable navigation system. That makes me really HAPPY!

TEACHERS – I have been blessed with incredible teachers along my journey. They have instilled within me work ethic, discipline and focus. They help me to see my potential and push me to be my best self. I listen and trust their guidance, forming such unique and incredible bonds. Different from friends and family but just as close, these teachers always appear when I need them most.

FORGIVENESS – I understand the importance of forgiveness, both in giving and receiving. I am learning to let go of loss, pain and grief others have caused me and also offer my forgiveness to those I hurt. I replace resentment and anger and fill myself up with love, light and compassion. My forgiving nature makes me happy because I do not have to carry the wounds of the past. They are often too heavy to bear.

UNCONVENTIONALITY - I don’t like following the rules society says I must. So I play by my own boundaries and honor what feels best to me. It creates for an amazingly adventurous life! I am quite the risk taker but it makes me feel so ALIVE!

KARMA - I believe that every action has a reaction, a consequence that can either be good or bad. So I try to live as honorably as possible, acting with integrity and aligning myself with my beliefs. I try to minimize pain I cause to others, the environment and myself. And when I do make a mistake, I go to great lengths to try and correct and then learn from it. I always strive to be and do better as to not have anything unfortunate come back around to me.

FRIENDS – I have taken much time, effort and investment to nurture friendships. I have developed strong friendships with really incredible women that hold me accountable, remind me of my worth, tell me REALLY how it is, are genuinely happy for my successes and push me to grow. With that, I also had to let go of several friendships that were no longer serving me. Some of these were mentally or emotionally draining and did not add anything positive to my life. Now I am more concerned with the quality of my friends as opposed to quantity.

FAMILY – Thankfully, a wonderful, supportive and loving family surrounds me. They allow me to live the life of my dreams. They are all so generous, kind and encouraging. But in order to keep a healthy and happy connection, I know my boundaries, such as what topics to discuss and which to avoid. I am learning not to invest too much energy in trying to help change them, for in the past months I discovered the only person I can save is myself. That is my only responsibility. Now I am choosing to teach and inspire by example.

RELATIONSHIPS – I have dated some wonderful men in my life, all of who taught me how to be a woman, a lover and a companion. I learned the art of compromise, of sacrifice and unconditional love. I developed strong bonds with each one of them, some of which fizzled and faded away, others that turned to friendship and one that still remains unfinished. They have all been gifts with invaluable lessons. For now, I am choosing to be on my own. I want to understand myself to the fullest extent, my patterns and tendencies, what makes me tick and gets the blood going. So far, it has been the best three months of my life.

CAREER – I absolutely LOVE what I do and cannot stress how important this is to my happiness levels. I wake up with purpose, feeling needed and beneficial to the world. I make people feel, look and live better. I inspire them to change. I am passionate about what I teach. My job allows for an extremely high quality of life. I make my own schedule and work as little or as much as I want. I have free time every day to practice and play. It permits me to live life on my terms. I can travel for months or take off on days I feel like it. I work for myself and make the rules. My entrepreneurial spirit is alive and thriving.

TRAVEL - I love to travel and do so often. It makes me feel alive on so many levels, everything new and exciting. I love being outside comfort zones and safety nets. Everything is so fresh. Additionally, it has given me the gift of perspective. I understand how other parts of the world live and that increases my gratitude for the simplest of things we in this country take for granted. It has opened my eyes to wonders, possibilities and pleasures….to a whole wide world. I am richer, diversified, cultured and consequently, more well rounded because of it.

COURAGE – I have an overflowing well of courage within to live my dreams on my terms AND without apology. I have chosen the unconventional path years ago and I proudly and strongly walk that path. I understand not everyone will like me or even agree with me but I have the fortitude not to change because my life and choices make other people uncomfortable. I am not afraid and strive always to live my authentic self.

ABUNDANCE – I believe in the abundance of the universe. I always have what I need. I always have MORE than I need. I will never be without and trust God to fulfill my needs and desires. I have an abundance of energy, life, gifts and talents. I enjoy financial abundance, health abundance, love abundance.

MANIFESTATION/POSITIVE THINKING – I believe I create and manifest my life. (The Secret, Law of Attraction, Ask and It is Given). To me, this is a universal principle that I can create what I want using my own energy. To do this, I first visualize what I want. I try to use all of my senses to experience what it feels like. I write down what I want in clear and specific terms. I speak about it in the present tense as though it already happening. And then most importantly, I believe it will come. I honor receiving.

MANTRAS/POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS – Over the years, I have collected mantras and positive

affirmations that best align with my heart. Because I have said them so many times, they have become strong beliefs. By using them, I changed the way my brain thinks. Now instead of self-limiting dialogue, my mantras remind me that “I deserve the best life of my dreams,” or “I am an unlimited being in an abundant universe.” Such thoughts open my mind and heart to such amazing possibilities that exist in every moment.

COMMUNICATION – I speak honestly. I am very open with my feelings. I always try and come from a place of love. I start with positive feelings and gratitude. I say how I feel and try not to hold back or repress-even when it hurts. My new intention in life it to speak up with confidence, use my voice and say exactly what I mean. I chose my language very carefully. I am impeccable with my word.

WOMAN’S EMPOWERMENT GROUP – I surround myself with very inspiring, creative, talented and confident women. We have formed a network of support, encouragement and opportunities by combining our gifts. This is different from friends because although there is an element of social activity, it is mainly driven by business ideas and possibilities. There is a constant exchange of referrals and resources as well as an overwhelming sense that we are strong and capable.

THE BREATH- I breathe consciously. Often. I practice several breathing techniques especially when I am feeling lost, confused, stressed or tired. It immediately calms me down and brings me to the present. It is my secret tool I use to deal with life’s adversities. It is the way in which I connect to God and what I use to feel inspired. It helps me create space for my ever-expanding heart and emotions. It is my life force.

DETERMINATION/CONVICTION – I refuse to quit, lose or stagnant. I know no other way but forward drive and momentum. I always press onward and never allow my mistakes or losses to stop me. Rather, they tend to drive me harder and further. I have an unrelenting intrinsic motivation that propels my life ahead. The only boundaries are the ones I place on myself and my intention is always to eradicate and break down those barriers.

PURE POTENTIALITY – I believe that anything and everything is possible. I can do or be anything I want. All I have to do is choose. Pure potentiality inspires me to go after what I want and become who I want to be. Over and over and over again, I constantly get to recreate myself.

VULNERABILITY – I am allowing more of myself to be seen. I am vocal about feelings, risking hurt to open up. It feels so much better to “put it out there” as opposed to holding it in or trying to suppress feelings. The reward tends to be greater when I drop my guard. It is uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant but I am always so thankful I trust myself enough to be exposed.

CHANGE – Change is inevitable, part of life and human nature. Nothing stays the same. So I embrace change rather than avoid it. Oftentimes, I seek it out. I like new conversations, perspectives and environments. I like when life feels fresh. I am a chameleon, able to not only adapt but also thrive in whatever situation life throws at me. I welcome change with open arms, always ready for the next challenge.

ENVIRONMENTAL CONSCIOUSNESS – I live a VERY eco-friendly life. I realize the interconnectedness of all beings and try to live with minimal impact and harm. I carry cloth bags so I don’t have to use plastic. I recycle. I don’t drink bottled water and instead use a reusable water bottle and coffee cup. I try not to waste food. I changed my light bulbs to energy efficient and conserve resources whenever possible. I ride my bike everywhere. I only buy produce and products that are organic and local when available. I adhere to a very strict vegetarian diet. I am very aware of toxins present and do my best to minimize exposure. I donate to environmentally friendly charities and groups. This awareness helps me understand the larger picture and take responsibility for my own decisions.

SIMPLICITY - I try to keep it simple. I don’t overcomplicate (well, most of the time). I constantly shed what I don’t need. I donate clothes I don’t wear and give away things I no longer use. I have no television to distract me. I don’t have much “stuff.” I find that it crowds not only space but my mind too.

CLEANLINESS – I keep an extremely clean apartment. It is my sacred space. My intention is it for it to be warm and welcoming, conducive for the activities I like to do at home. I believe cleanliness is next to Godliness and always feel like my life is in order when my apartment is too. Sounds silly but to me it works wonders.

INTEGRITY – I try to live with integrity so that my thoughts, words and actions are in alignment.

MINDFULNESS/AWARENESS – I am mindful of myself and actions, the space I take up and my effects on others. I hold doors open for people and help moms carry baby strollers up subway steps. If I see trash on the sidewalk, I pick it up and throw it away. I send cards to friends and family just to say hello. I smile at strangers. I tip more than required. I am mindful of other people’s energies as well as my own that I project out. I remember to be a shining light for others. I lead by example. I am the change I want to see in the world.

CREATIVITY – I engage in numerous activities that feed my soul. At least once a day, I play! I am very very in touch with my inner child. For example, I may walk in Central Park taking pictures. Sometimes I create scrapbooks of one of my many adventures. I write…a lot. I like to get lost in art projects and use my hands to cut, paste, paint and create. It is therapeutic and healing, an outlet for my soul’s work to come through. I find it also quiets my mind and gives me an overall sense of peace.

MUSIC – Music defines my life. Through every struggle and triumph, I have a specific soundtrack. Music heals, inspires, transports and invigorates. Music gives me words when I cannot find any to define what rages on in my heart. Music carries me through life and gives it a whole other layer of depth.

EASE AND GRACE - I try to live, breathe and move with as much ease and grace as possible. It is my intention every day, with every word, on every run, during every transition. When I feel stressed or burdened, I remember these two words and it changes everything.

LIFELONG LEARNING - I never stop learning. I read tons of books and attend seminars, workshops and classes. I am hungry. My mind is like an insatiable sponge that requires daily feeding. I want to know everything. I ask a lot of questions, surround myself with smart people, research topics of interests. I live with awareness and learn from nature, friends and daily interactions. Every moment is an opportunity for growth. Living life is my best teacher and I take full advantage of it.

SEXUALITY – Being a highly sexual being makes me savor being alive. The more comfortable I feel in my own skin, the more open I am with my sexuality, with my sensuality. I am intrigued by the divine feminine energy and allow that movement to take over my body. I tap into the immense amounts of ecstasy available to me. What a gift!!!!!

TRUST – I trust life and God and myself. I trust the NOW. I am right where I should be. I trust that when that changes, I will know and feel it. I trust that I have the ability to do anything. I trust ME, my inner voice and connection to the divine. Things happen for reasons I can’t explain or understand but I trust it is always for the best. All is unfolding in its utmost perfection…..

SELFLESS SERVICE - I volunteer to as a means to break out of my immediate bubble and reach out to those less fortunate. It also helps me keep my own “problems” in perspective, expanding my feelings of compassion and empathy for others. It keeps my ego in check and reminds me that the world doesn’t revolve around me.

PATIENCE – Life doesn’t happen on my timetable. A hard lesson but I am growing towards acceptance. Changes take time. Growth is a process. I can’t get everything I want now, for if I did, I would lack appreciation. I understand there is no end result or destination. This is my life journey. I enjoy the ride. I trust is God’s divine plan. He knows better than I do. In moments of intense wanting or wishing things were different, I breathe and accept.

PERSPECTIVE – I always remind myself that I may not be able to control situations, people or experiences but I can ALWAYS control how I choose to look at them. What lens do I choose to see this experience from? For majority of my life, I seek the positive. I find the silver lining. I ask myself, what is the lesson I am meant to learn from this? And ALWAYS I receive an answer. Maybe not immediate, but with time, I learn and understand. And if I don’t like something, I change the way I look at it. I am able to avoid so much pain but taking responsibility for this.

CELEBRATION- I celebrate life, myself and all that is wonderful. About once a month, I go out dancing. I am wild and free and feel so good. It is so delicious. I do not allow self-consciousness to impede my movement; I completely let go. It has been a key to my healing and growth as a woman. It reenergizes my connection to Mother Earth and wells within me feelings of love and bliss.

SURRENDER – And lastly, I surrender. After I put my best efforts forth and do whatever is within my power, I let go. I trust. I don’t attach to the outcome. The higher power takes over and continues with the perfect unfolding of life.

Rampage of Appreciation

YES, THANK YOU!!!!!!



I am beyond blessed.

Feelings of gratitude pour forth from my heart during this holiday week.

I have so many reasons to be thankful.

I am alive...another day here on this beautiful earth.
I see, taste, touch, smell, listen.
I sing, dance, play, dream and create.
I run, jump and move. I feel the BURN.
I explore, discover, and love...wholeheartedly love.
I am body, mind, soul and spirit.

My connection to God is strong and powerful.
I trust the universal truths of how this world exists.
I believe in the inherent goodness of everyone.
My intuition is intact, my heart guides, I listen to the inside.

Abundance. All ways, all kinds.



My extensive family, friends and loved ones. Their unique connection to me.
For past lovers, especially the Prince who swept me off my feet.
We are all safe, healthy and happy, sharing and enjoying together.
Each individual in my life, in his or her own way, supports, guides and teaches.
All the meaning I derive from their presence along my path.
Tremendous Appreciation.

All beautiful, all necessary.
I am surrounded by divinely inspiring and extraordinary beings.

Gratitude for my life as an education.
For all my teachers who nourished my growth and believed in my potential.
Years of boxing. Lessons the ring instilled.
Strength. Courage. Determination. Focus. Conviction. Confidence.
Believing I am capable.
My Warrior Heart. My Shadow Self. The Inner Fight.



My yoga mat and practice. Its philosophy and principles.
For stretching and lengthening my body, mind and beliefs.
Twisting, turning, folding and releasing. Opening my heart.
Learning to surrender.

Involution for Evolution. Feeling the NOW.



All my traveling adventures, within my own soul and outside in this great big, bountiful world.
For culture and humanity, beauty and nature.
Fresh air, trees and blue skies.
Freedom of movement.



This life path I am traveling on and the purpose I sense unfolding.
For depth and introspection, emotional intelligence and guidance.
Intrinsic motivation, forward momentum.
Striving to be better yet peace within the present.
Knowing I am exactly where I need to be.
Faith. Compassion. Play.



For hugs that squeeze and kisses that linger. Sand in toes and crashing waves. Changing seasons and fleeting emotions. Walks in the park and on the edge. Digging deep and rising above. Grounding to Mother Earth and reaching for Infinity. Good books under warm covers. Human contact, touch and tenderness. The smell of skin. The breath. Old memories and big dreams. Nourishing, fresh foods sprung from thoughtfully tended gardens. Music that moves. Patterns and poetry. Listening to what's not said. Chemistry. Sensing the Soul and Feeling the Energy. Honesty. Simplicity. Intentions. Heart pounding peace. Human connections. Shifts in perspective. Sweat that drips. Listening to raindrops. Afternoon naps. Kindness for others. Fresh coffee in the early morning. Giving my word. Growing pains and quantum leaps. Drinking sunsets. New beginnings from previous mistakes.

Endless possibility.


For all the was, all that is, and all that is to come.



YES, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Unearthing

For the last two weeks, I have carried around a heavy burden. This extra weight is emotionally connected, residing deep within my chest cavity at my heart center. After days of intuitive reflecting, I sense a need to cry, to release and let go.

I have no reason to cry. Plus, my usual happiness prevents me from accessing these feelings. So I just BE with these tense, tightening sensations. Days pass, I probe deeper. I practice yoga with the intention to understand. I pray to God for clarity. I ask my friends for help.

Slowly, it all begins to make sense.

I have been on my own for over two months. The novelty of living alone and enjoying creative endeavors and passions is fading. I spend much of my time alone and undistracted. Unconsciously, I have done a phenomenal job eliminating everything and anything that could potentially suck away my energy and attention. All the dust has settled and I am grounded in my new life. But what is left is....just me. Me and my mirror, my emotions, desires, fears and insecurities. I did ASK for this, craved to know myself better. But I had no idea it would feel like this....


So where am I?

On the edge of the abyass, staring into the darkness of my shadow self. This unearthing is the next layer of emotions, bubbling to the surface and making me uncomfortable. I do not like what I am feeling yet I encourage it to come forth. Gentle words entice the feelings....loneliness with a deep sense of sadness. Old anger triggering frustration. Pain from wounds unhealed. Deep rooted devastation that I have long avoided and ignored for most of my life.

Instead of my default mechanism to focus solely on the positive, I choose to look deeper at everything in which I labeled bad, negative and painful. I take responsibility for mistakes and the ultimate harm it caused others. I experience pangs of regret. I feel childhood traumas, family dramas, deception and lies, cheating, guilt and greed and grief. I want to OWN this, accepting and loving all these emotions as my whole self. Not just the good but everything that makes us human.

I proceed to investigate this muck.

Where is this sadness coming from? Why does it hurt so much? How could this be when overall I feel balanced, happy and fulfilled? What are my lessons to uncover in the midst of this internal mess? What lies beyond my dark side?

The lessons abound....I find space to breathe. This is not something I can understand in one day. So I give myself permission to wander around aimlessly, to be confused and uncomfortable, without judgment or deadlines. Just FEEL and be with it.



I give birth to a new self, a new reality that extends far beyond the physical level. Healing hurts before it feels right. I notice memories that pain me most and the forgiveness I owe myself and others. Buried emotions arise in my muscle memory, joints and heart but instead of repressing and storing for later use, I release and let go. They are coming out NOW, through dancing and stomping, stretching and breathing. They are coming out because I have taken away the blocks, the maze of boundaries and doors I closed so tightly around this. My emotional intelligence is taking over and keeping me moving. I want to feel it.

I accept pain as symbols, beautiful tattoos to remind me I will never be the same again. Despite the scars, they are gifts, allowing an experience of life that is full and multi-dimensional. I am hearing my old story as a sacred listener, finding the forgiveness and courage to bear witness to what was....

I realize I am not used to being alone. I am breaking the pattern of co-dependency. I have no man to comfort me, hold me and whisper sweet words of reassurance. My bed is empty, large and lonely. I must love myself through this so I learn I am ALWAYS enough, I can take care of myself through anything, I am all I need. It is time to become self-reliant.

Tonight in yoga class, I cry. No, I sob and mourn. As my teacher leads a series of heart openers and deep twists, I deconstruct my patterns and dissolve. I can't hold back the tears any longer. I do not want to anymore. Curled into a fetal ball, I find strength to experience the depths of loss and death, as the essence of my old self loosens its grips...

It hurts...physically my body screams, emotionally I am broken, spiritually I am reborn.

I come home to darkness, lay on my bed as the tears continue to pour forth. I encourage my inner self to flow, softly whispering, "Keep going. Reach deeper. GO there. Feel it. Feel it more. Access the part of you that we cut off years ago. Remember the hurt. Now, breathe. Accept. Love. Release."

My heavy heart already feels lighter.....


Through this healing process, I surrender to this as a life long process. There is always more to shed; I acknowledge the endlessness of it all. But I trust on the other side of this scared line is endless possibility, potential and grace. A tenderness awaits for my arrival. She is already so proud of me.

My new story is just starting....beginning with a goodbye to all that no longer serves me and a wide open, great big embrace to all that is coming.....



You must have confusion in your heart to give birth to stars.- Nietzsche