In the most unlikely of circumstances, I found myself back in a Catholic Church after a ten year hiatus.
Born and raised as a Catholic, I developed an aversion towards it around the age of seventeen. After years of parochial school, weekly Mass and a handful of sacraments, I wanted nothing to do with it. The dogma, services and overall attitude bothered me. The lack of passion frustrated me. I remember feeling so disconnected that I started visiting numerous nondenominational churches and Buddhist centers in search for religious truth.
The past ten years have been largely influenced by this quest. I had to do my own investigating into what I believe is true. I explored meditation techniques, spiritual scripts and Hindu gods. I prayed, chanted and sang. I sat in quiet stillness and danced my heart out. I read the Bible and the Yoga sutras. Prayed to Jesus and Ganesh. And ultimately, I have found all these religions contain the same universal truths. Truths of love, peace and light, respect of self and others, kindness and compassion. The roads are different, yes. The books and songs, statues and prayers all vary. Human beings vary. But at the core, all religious paths merge to ONE. To the divine, the source of happiness and peace.
So as I sat in Midnight Mass, the most magical service in Catholicism, I was reminded of my once deep love for this religion. The smell of incense so familiar yet mysterious. The Christmas hymns I sang as a child. The special decorations that enhance the Church's architectural beauty. The overwhelming warmth. I was so moved to remember the responses and words of prayers. In a way, I felt like I was home, a safe and secure place. It reminded me of Sunday Mass with my parents, the guiding principles it served and all the good it has added to my life. The belief and conviction of a higher power. Whatever once bothered me, no longer existed. I was coming to it from a different place.
Now that I know and feel confident in my beliefs and what I stand for, I can sit comfortably in a Catholic Church, knowing my truth is embedded within it. The words may be different, the story changes, but I know we share the same intentions. In this place of God, I feel the connection.
Since that special moment, I have gone back to church, not for a service but rather just to sit. I sit in the quiet room, hear the echos of my footsteps. I close my eyes and pray. Empty space helps me focus, speak to God intensely. No distractions. To be in a sacred, silent place enables a deeper dialogue. I pour my heart out.
I foolishly assumed that because I feel God within me always, I didn't need to visit a physical location. I thought one excluded the other. But being back in church shows me that I can enjoy both, and each to the benefit of the others. They work together to strengthen my relationship with God. What a gift to start off the new year.
