Normally, I write about adventures in far away lands where my senses are overloaded and my heart races with frenzied excitement. But now, I lay sprawled on my cream bedspread, digesting my new home, this gentle space I created to be my sanctuary for the next year. Exaggerated silence hangs in the air. I recently ended a wonderful relationship with a man who loved me dearly. We shared over a year bound together in every aspect...living, working and dreaming together. He was my Shaman lover, my mountain man, my temporary investment.
I walked away when things were bordering on a quantum leap of commitment, both in love and in business.
But that inner voice that I heard all along, the guidance I too often ignored, would not allow me to dig myself any deeper. I could no longer ignore its persistent pleading to get out, to fly away, to be alone. To truly be alone.
Have I ever, I wonder?
My memories reach back to the 4th grade when I married a fellow classmate in the schoolyard during recess. My first serious boyfriend came along in the 6th grade and lasted on and off through eighth grade. Since then, I can recall quite vividly the consistent presence of a male figure in my life. Either I was trying to get them to love me or annoyed that they loved me too much. Something was always off or wrong. I would analyze each relationship to death, trying to decipher if it was real and true and honest. The inner battle raged on. All but one turned out to be so....
On the eve of my 28th birthday, I knew I could not begin another year muffling this inner guidance. I couldn't use my typical distractions. They had all burned out or stopped working. I was left with the hard truth, as well as the ultimate consequences that followed from making such a decision.
I devastated my partner who wanted nothing more than to share in this life together. I left a blossoming business in which I invested not only time and money but also energy and heart. Our creative business baby soon evaporated as if it never existed. I painfully removed my belongings from his apartment, slowly erasing all evidence of my presence. I sat alone in that apartment and cried for the loss of a love and an end of an era. I am finally learning this lesson.
And now, as I reassemble a life that serves my highest good and honors my inner voice, I breathe slow and deep. I am ok. Thoughts turn to him as I attempt to somehow erase his pain. I surrender.
Things begin to align closer to my heart center. I am moving into my power and OWNING me. The first few steps are shaky but already I am finding my footing. Under the grief of hurting such a good man, I am excited to find myself, understand me and my habits. To stop the pattern. In order to someday make a life commitment, I must first commit to myself...so I can become more bountiful, more exhilarating, more joyous and grounded. So I can let go of old issues, boundaries and resentments and allow myself to be reborn.
I know the buried treasure lies within. It is a quest to find it and in doing so, become a Wild Woman.
