Running to Stand Still

I started running again.

It's been several months since I laced up my sneakers and took to the road for a good run. Lacking the desire or motivation, I was quite content practicing yoga and riding my bike. But ever since moving close to Central Park again, I couldn't resist the great call from the outdoors enticing me to come play. My body was craving a good sweat, the delicious burn from total muscle recruitment.

So I begin to run.
No Ipod, no partner, no distractions.
Just me.

I head straight for the reservoir, to the gravel path surrounding this manmade body of water. It is here, at New York's heart center, where I breathe my first invigorating breath. Lungs expand as I take it all in. I listen to the crunch of pebbles under my feet and the watch as the wind dances among leaves. Sunlight flutters across the tops of trees. I savor the warmth of September sun as it mingles with the cool undertones of autumn soon approaching.

I set no minimum mile requirement, no designated time frame. I run for pure pleasure. I don't recall ever experiencing this emotion; I have always felt so suffocated by what I had to accomplish that I left little time for actual enjoyment. But today, I run slow and with purpose. An intention develops to feel each step, to listen to the sweet sounds of nature, to acknowledge my connection to Mother Earth.

For years, using my physical body has been my main way to process life's emotions. I started exercising at 14 years old, soon becoming my way to deal with every challenge and triumph I encountered. Although I have adding tools to my arsenal of life skills, I still find moving the physical body deeply therapeutic. It gives my mind a focus that creates an inner calming. I begin to see things clearly....and differently. I release anger, frustration and hurt. Droplets of sweat pour out pain as if my whole body is crying.

In one leisurely jog through my beloved park, I let go and feel myself liberate.


Since then, I listen closely to when my body craves a run. It is my time to think, a quiet space where I leave everything behind.

No phone, no wallet, no set course.
Just me.

For those fleeting moments, I cannot be reached, completely disconnected from the outer obtrusive world. I devour the fresh air, appreciating this transitory moment leading me into the next phase.

The Journey

Laying in bed on Saturday night.
It's almost 3am.

My creative intellect is scouring through a book of poems. I am hungry for nourishing words. I discover a gem. It resonates with me, makes me tingle with delight. It describes the Journey I am embarking on with such clarity and perfection.

Though not written by me, I feels like these are my words.



The Journey
~ Mary Oliver ~

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Lost Loves Rediscovered

It has been approximately three weeks since the massive life change. It has been three weeks of struggles, adjustments and settling.

It feels good. It feels right.

Always having a happy demeanor, I really enjoy life. I have a natural zest for living, growth and experience. Appreciating the smallest moments of beauty give me great joy. But now, I jumped to a whole new level of happiness. A quantum leap. These fiercely intense emotions have set the bar to a new level of what is acceptable. I am no longer willing to compromise myself. It feels too good being me. I know I will never go back to my former self, for she has already been put to rest.

With a renewed and augmented LOVE of life, I have rediscovered things I lost somewhere along the way, tangled up in others stuff. I take responsibility for such a loss because it is always MY choice on how to live. But with alone time for self-reflection, I am learning what I enjoy.

What makes my heart beat.
What feeds my soul and nourishes my spirit.

Sometimes, I shut off all lights except a small corner lamp that casts a golden glow in my apartment. I put on my favorite music and dance. I close my eyes and move, having a party where I am the only guest. It is some of the most fun I ever experience. I break out of my box, break free from my imposing boundaries. Walls crumble as my body morphs into creative flowing movement.

Other times, I stretch. I lay on the cool wooden floor in my favorite yoga poses. I breath into my body, I feel my muscles lengthen. I open my shoulders and neck. Toes spreading and ankles roll. Incense smells permeate the air. I am floating on bliss.

I might spend time working on my vision scrapbook. What started as a board soon transferred into a large book. I peruse through my favorite magazines, tearing out pictures, places and things that grab my attention. Anything that makes me look twice, following where my attention is drawn. I then paste all the pictures into my sacred book. It depicts the life of my dreams, of the limitless possibilities of what lies ahead. It is my story, an inspiration to help me stay on the path.

I also indulge in warm bubble baths with mineral salts and essential oils. Candle light and an enticing book makes the experience complete. I create outfits I want to wear on the weekends and enjoy looking at large, coffee table picture books. I talk on the phone to family and friends, nurturing connections and catching up. I write in my journal. I sit in silence and relish.

Three weeks in and already I am thoroughly enjoying space, the solitude of being by myself. I am becoming my own best friend, that solid reliable energy I can count on for anything. I get to figure myself out like I would a new prospective lover.

All energy is set for this intention....

To become so comfortable within my own skin that I never question or compromise myself again.

Follow the Omens

“In order to find the treasure, you will have to follow the omens. God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left you.” - The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

The soul speaks directly through signs, outer symbols and meaningful coincidences. In an attempt to grab our attention or guide us on our path, the universe uses these omens to steer us toward our goals.

These omens are a mirror reflection of our inner consciousness. We live in an interactive, abundant universe that is designed to fulfill our deepest dreams. Our magnetic energy is always attracting exactly what we need to create our hearts’ desires. We are destined to enjoy an extraordinary life and the universe is designed to help us find it.

To me, reading the signs is a way to intuitively and gracefully open my heart to the wonders, wisdom and support of divine connection. By using this reliably precise guidance system, I interpret the limitless possibilities of free choice. In order to increase the number of fulfilling life opportunities, I must increase my acknowledgment and accurate interpretations. Tuning into this flow allows me to experience more magical moments, reaffirming my trust in universe.

My most beloved omen is a dandelion fluff. The wispy, white floating cloud has danced in and out of my life for years. I remember graduating from college, lost in feelings of insecurity and confusion over my next step. A dear friend suggested that instead of worrying, I should envision myself as a dandelion fluff, swirling through crisp blue skies, following no set path. Instead of being rigid and conforming, I can float, dance, spin, meander. I can explore and venture off into the unknown. I don't have to know what is next. Feelings of relief welled within as I embraced this new perspective of a free spirit.

Although that was years ago, I have never lost the sense of my soul in the wispy flower's center. When I am faced with moments of hard decisions and frustrations, I recall the dandelion fluff. I remember that I can drift, trusting I will be carried by the universe's gentle winds. I surrender, allowing it to lead me to the next step, to whatever it is I am inspired to do.....

Over the last couple of weeks, I have noticed dandelion fluffs EVERYWHERE. At least once a day, the translucent star-like wisp finds its way to cross my path, dancing passionately around my heart. Every time I notice it, I stare wide-eyed, absurdly happy and deeply grateful. It is a moment of thorough reassurance. God is with me, offering both help and guidance. I am reminded that all is perfect, my choices are in alignment, I am on my perfect path.

Signs are everywhere. All made by the same hand. It is my responsibility to pay attention.

Rebirth

In a search for something more, I am starting this blog.

Normally, I write about adventures in far away lands where my senses are overloaded and my heart races with frenzied excitement. But now, I lay sprawled on my cream bedspread, digesting my new home, this gentle space I created to be my sanctuary for the next year. Exaggerated silence hangs in the air. I recently ended a wonderful relationship with a man who loved me dearly. We shared over a year bound together in every aspect...living, working and dreaming together. He was my Shaman lover, my mountain man, my temporary investment.

I walked away when things were bordering on a quantum leap of commitment, both in love and in business.

But that inner voice that I heard all along, the guidance I too often ignored, would not allow me to dig myself any deeper. I could no longer ignore its persistent pleading to get out, to fly away, to be alone. To truly be alone.

Have I ever, I wonder?

My memories reach back to the 4th grade when I married a fellow classmate in the schoolyard during recess. My first serious boyfriend came along in the 6th grade and lasted on and off through eighth grade. Since then, I can recall quite vividly the consistent presence of a male figure in my life. Either I was trying to get them to love me or annoyed that they loved me too much. Something was always off or wrong. I would analyze each relationship to death, trying to decipher if it was real and true and honest. The inner battle raged on. All but one turned out to be so....

On the eve of my 28th birthday, I knew I could not begin another year muffling this inner guidance. I couldn't use my typical distractions. They had all burned out or stopped working. I was left with the hard truth, as well as the ultimate consequences that followed from making such a decision.

I devastated my partner who wanted nothing more than to share in this life together. I left a blossoming business in which I invested not only time and money but also energy and heart. Our creative business baby soon evaporated as if it never existed. I painfully removed my belongings from his apartment, slowly erasing all evidence of my presence. I sat alone in that apartment and cried for the loss of a love and an end of an era. I am finally learning this lesson.

And now, as I reassemble a life that serves my highest good and honors my inner voice, I breathe slow and deep. I am ok. Thoughts turn to him as I attempt to somehow erase his pain. I surrender.

Things begin to align closer to my heart center. I am moving into my power and OWNING me. The first few steps are shaky but already I am finding my footing. Under the grief of hurting such a good man, I am excited to find myself, understand me and my habits. To stop the pattern. In order to someday make a life commitment, I must first commit to myself...so I can become more bountiful, more exhilarating, more joyous and grounded. So I can let go of old issues, boundaries and resentments and allow myself to be reborn.

I know the buried treasure lies within. It is a quest to find it and in doing so, become a Wild Woman.